September 2005

Dear Dale: I am a male-to-female transsexual. I was married to a woman, when I was a man, and have a 16-year-old daughter who attends a local school. My gender reassignment surgery completed in 2001, and my life is on track again except for having the partner I dearly wish for. I am a lesbian because my attraction for women never changed.

I am Asian, and of small stature, so I can “pass,” and—short of a detailed medical exam—no one would ever know I used to be a man. My question is about honesty, and whether it is disingenuous not to tell women I date about my sex change. I find that I cannot even get a date when I disclose too early. I have had dates with women that I did not tell, and those went much better. In particular, I have been dating a woman for a few weeks that I really like. And I wonder whether I will lose her when she finds me out.

Please make a recommendation on how to handle my predicament. I truly want a lifelong partner, and it feels very lonely not to be accepted for who I really am. My feeling is that once she is in love with me, my sex change will not matter. –A New Woman via email from Mill Valley

Dear NW: Be honest up front. You may get more dates by hiding your true self. But authenticity is a bigger issue than being transsexual. I have matched two transsexual clients after revealing their history up front. It is true that many women will decline your invitations. But you will eventually find ones that are open enough to give you a chance. Then you will not need to worry about the inevitable conversation, which raises doubt about your ethics.

Trust comes first.

Dear Dale: My partner came home several hours late last night after work. We had plans to have dinner with neighbors. After waiting a half-hour, and realizing my partner had his cell phone turned off, our friends and I went ahead and ate. But I did not have a good time because I was worried. When my partner came home he had been drinking and will not tell me where he was and what he was doing. Do you believe I have a right to know? Or am I being nosey? –Concerned in San Jose via email

Dear Concerned: You have a right to know where your partner is. While I am not accusing him of anything other than nondisclosure, please do not engage in any unsafe sexual activity with him. Suggest couples counseling, though he probably will not agree to it if he is hiding something. Do not reward his unkind and rude behavior by overlooking it. Consider whether this relationship is really for you.

<< Back To Advice Page