September 2006

Dear Dale: My new girlfriend likes to spend money. Getting through a weekend with her puts a lot of stress on me because I make about half what she does, but save more. Otherwise, we have fun and enjoy the best sex. Do you think it is a waste of both our energies to invest in this situation? I want a lifelong, committed partner, and wonder whether I might be distracted from the right path by pursuing someone who stresses me out financially. –Frugal in Vallejo via e-mail.

Dear Frugal: Usually one party to a relationship is better with finances, just as talents and skills differ greatly among all. Each couple creates their unique mix that copes with differences and manages long-term welfare. Some keep separate finances. Others commingle resources completely. Among my longstanding couples, without exception, at least some investments become jointly held. Often the party who manages money better takes charge of finances as one way to demonstrate their love. Of course, the other party must also contribute—according to her special skills and talents—in order to show her love equally. Couples definitely do work through issues like yours. However, it is smart to consider a time-line of a few months to determine whether your dynamic as partners enables good communication that results in healthy compromise, and builds momentum towards union.

Dear Dale: I have lived with my partner Julian for over 35 years. He got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in June of 2002.  We still sleep together in the same bed, and I basically do everything for him. People generally do not understand my devotion, which comes mostly from the deep love we have shared for so long. But, also, Julian’s monetary contribution to our retirement was far greater than mine. So I could never put him in a care home, when, were it not for Julian, I would not own the home I do, let alone have the nice income he provided me for life.

My problem is that I recently feel attracted to Lawrence, a man I met at a support group for spouses of Alzheimer’s victims. Lawrence recently told me he wants our relationship to move to the next level. I feel stuck because my love for Julian never lessens. But he is unable to provide the intellectual stimulation, emotional involvement, and intimate touch that I need more as time goes on. What should I do, Dale? –Quandary Over Love in Aptos via e-mail

Dear Quandary: I encourage you to employ in-home caregivers to relieve you at least 16 hours per day. So long as you oversee Julian's care, even when you don’t deliver it hands on, you can feel safe that your commitment to him remains intact. During your free time, take up Lawrence’s offer to become more involved. You two can empathize with and enjoy each other while also overseeing the right care of your spouses, who are now gone in most respects. Julian provided you with a nice retirement because he wants you to be well and happy. Take your life back, my dear one.

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